Triple Venti Loser

I honestly didn't think it could happen. After seeing the movie Supersize Me, I thought to myself, after seeing the scenes with the guy who eats several Big Macs every day, "I will never see or hear about a bigger loser than that as long as I live."

I was so very wrong. I opened up my newspaper today and there was an article about this guy who is trying to visit every Starbucks in the entire world. No, really. I'm not making this up. Fucking Starbucks. This guy's dream in life is to visit every Starbucks on the planet. When asked why, he said it had to do with his "collector’s instinct" and he mentions that he collects comic books, coins, and cards. So basically this guy would have already competed for the title of biggest loser in the universe without the Starbucks thing. He has been to over 5000 since 1998 I guess. Of course he has a website. And a stupid name he calls himself, Winter. He claims that is his name and only name, despite the fact that the Boston Globe found and printed what his real name is, Rafael Antonio Lozano. Go ahead and look around his little site and see just how big of a loser this guy is. In his travel log entry from a few days ago he talks about going to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and then waiting outside a Starbucks in Maryland until it opens. What a party animal. I should mention that he's 33 years old. And he's a software developer, which I imagine goes without saying. Worst thing to come out of the 90s is dipshits with loads of disposable income but completely void of imagination or any real interests. He has spent thousands of dollars to go to Starbucks all over the globe. I mean, try to wrap your brain around that. Starbucks is not a destination when you travel, it's a place you pop into on your travels because of their liberal public restroom policy (be sure to bring a little pack of Kleenexes though, you can never be sure if they'll have any TP since they let anyone and everyone use their toilet). Shit, the guy has pictures on his web site of the stores he’s visited. This could be mildly less loser-like if he had any great memories or experiences on his travels, but he doesn’t even have that. He confesses that he doesn’t really remember individual stores because he’s rushing around trying to get to all of them, and also because they are Starbucks and THEY ARE ALL THE FUCKING SAME! It’s not like he’s visiting different buildings by a great architect or something. This isn’t really any different than trying to visit all the Wal-Marts or McDonalds in the world. They are supposed to be the same because people will always recognize them wherever they are. Whenever I’m in Manhattan and I have to piss I start looking around for the green and white circle. So I suppose there is comfort in that.

I guess there are some things that one might want to see every one of in the country or world. My mother-in-law has a thing about going to every Disney and that also makes sense. First, it’s fucking Disney and there are rides and shit (and everybody knows Space Mountain kicks ass). Second, there are like five of them. And, except for Orlando and Anaheim, they are in pretty cool places. Make a goal to see all the Disney Worlds and you end up in places like France or Tokyo or Hong Kong. And there is only one in each town, so you can do lots of other cool things not just keep running to the next Disney across the street or on the next block. And there’s probably no danger of them opening 10 or more new ones a week in shitty places like Paducah, Kentucky where you really never want to go for any reason. My wife’s mother is in no danger of her life becoming about going to Disney World.

I do think I’ve figured out what this is really about for our dear Winter. See, there is a guy from Nebraska that has decided to make a documentary about him going to all these Starbucks. And think about that by the way. The guy who finds this interesting enough to make a film about it is from Nebraska. I’ve racked my brains trying to think of something cool from Nebraska and all I could come up with is Johnny Carson and that guy that is the Bright Eyes. But anyway, the film site has a couple of trailers and when I got my first glimpse of Winter my gaydar went to Def-Con 5. It was so obvious he’s a big old queer. But then there are scenes of him going to a strip club and getting a lap dance from a girl, or him pointing out a hot chick in, where else, a Starbucks. And it became so obvious. This is how his suppressed homosexuality is manifesting itself. I’ve seen repressed gays do some destructive shit before (like marry women) but this is the worst I’ve ever seen. Talk about self inflicted punishment. If you don’t believe me check it out for yourself. There are other clues too. In travel log he actually writes about someone else being the first customer in a new store and he uses the phrase “grrr…” to express how he feels. In the section of his site where he lists his “interest” he has put down “hot chicks”. But that actually comes later on the list than “Tradewinds Tea”. Tell me I’m not right. And what straight guy, outside of Bono, gives himself a one word name? The one name thing is so Morrissey.

So come on Winter, get yourself out of that closet and stop this destructive, internalized homophobic behavior. Think all the money you’ve wasted that could be spent on better things, like gay cruises and Streisand concerts. Just stop the madness and face who you are my sister. Stop running from the truth and toward the Frappacinos. Happiness is within you, not at the bottom of a triple half-caf vanilla latte.

I suppose I should thank you. Your craziness just makes the rest of us seem a little more normal. The next time my honey is starting to think I’m just a little too dorky when I’m dragging her to my 20th Wilco show of the year, hogging bandwidth on the computer to download a Robyn Hitchcock show from 2000 at the Largo that includes his famous Kung-Fu Fighting/Sound and Vision/When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman medley, or going giddy over the special year-end double issue of Trains magazine with pictures of Portland’s MAX light rail system (including map!) I can just point to you and say “it could be worse Honey. It could be worse.” So thanks, crazy closeted-gay coffee guy!