George & Haley - A Love Story

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour said on the news yesterday that he had spoken with President Vacation several times in the aftermath of Katrina. This is how I imagine the conversations went.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dubya: Hey Haley's Comet, how's it shakin'?

Haley: Not bad Georgie Porgie. How's the vacation going? Getting your well deserved rest?

Dubya: Oh yea, lots of great photo-ops of brush clearing too. So, I saw the hurricane footage on my TV here at the ranch. Wow. You and the family OK?

Haley: Oh yea, family is all safe. The hotel they're at is out of caviar though, so they've had to rough it a little bit.

Dubya: Bummer.

Haley: Yea.

Dubya: So listen, I just called to congratulate you on your disaster. It's a lucky thing you were governor when this happened instead of a Democrat.

Haley: I know. I'm just glad the day finally came. As you know, it's tough to keep up the approval ratings with out a human tragedy to ride. Now I can breathe easy.

Dubya: You bet. But don't forget us at the top. We need an approval ratings bump too.

Haley: Already covered my friend. I already wrote a little something for my pres conference about how you've offered full help and cooperation from Washington. Any other suggestions?

Dubya: Be sure to mention that I was begging to come down there, but you said no.

Haley: Do you want to come?

Dubya: Fuck no! I'm still on vacation. Just tell them that I wanted to come see the area and comfort all the dumb hicks but you said I should stay away for now while the rescue operations are going on. It's a win-win. I look compassionate and caring and you look like a strong leader.

Haley: Good thinking!

Dubya: Thanks, Karl taught me that.

Haley: Any suggestions for me? I'm going to want to look compassionate at some point too, but I really don't want to have to go out and hug any of these dirty people. I mean, come on, they've been wading around in shit for two days now.

Dubya: No, no. Don't worry. I'll tell you what you do. You're going on a fly-over of the wreckage right?

Haley: Right after I get off the phone.

Dubya: Great. OK, so when you're asked about what you saw, this is what you do. Start talking about the wreckage in terms of nuclear explosions and comparisons to Hiroshima and the tsunami. Then, when talking about the loss of life, start to sob a little. Not a whole lot, just a little. Make it seem like you might lose it, but are just able to contain yourself and remain strong. If you go too far you'll look like a pussy, but if you don't have any sort of watery eyes you'll seem cold-hearted. It's tough, so you should practice before you "go live".

Haley: Boy, I don't know. Crying? I don't know if I'll be able to muster that up.

Dubya: It's easier than you think. You just have to think of something depressing. I learned it from Schwarzenegger. Look at the tapes of my comments on September 12th, 2001 and you can see what I mean. Remember how I was blubbering up when talking about all the deaths at the World Trade Center?

Haley: Of course, it was a moment that brought the country together. Your finest hour. Really showed a lot of compassion and empathy for the victims.

Dubya: Yea, it was a great moment for me. You know what I was thinking about?

Haley: Not the victims?

Dubya: Oh god no. I was thinking about the time I screwed up and traded Sammy Sosa to the White Sox. That still kills me. (sob) Ahem, excuse me, little something in my throat...

Haley: Wow, thanks for the advice. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle that.

Dubya: Oh, before I forget, make sure you don't think of anything too sad.

Haley: Why?

Dubya: Trust me on this. If you think of anything too depressing the waterworks might open up all the way and then you won't be able to stop crying. You'll then say bye-bye to reelection. One time, when I was practicing in the mirror, I decided to think about Daddy losing to Bubba in '92 and I couldn't stop bawling for three hours. Way to gut-wrenching of a thought. I had to wait eight full years before I could snort coke off the mirror in the Lincoln bedroom again. Best damn coke mirror in the world. Mmmmm...coke. I gotta go, I'll call you later.

Haley: All right Mr. President, thanks for the advice.

Dubya: (snort) Oh yeeeaaaa, that's the stuff......(snort)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Several hours later)

Haley: Hello?

Dubya: Hey! Haley Haley bo baley banana fana foe faley fe fi foe faley Haley!

Haley: Hey! Prez Man! How you doin'? Did you see me on TV?

Dubya: That's why I'm callin'! Great fuckin' job my man! Holy shit, that choking up was just awesome! That was almost as good as my 9/11 performances.

Haley: Oh sir, you're being too kind...

Dubya: No really, I was so jealous. I haven't had a good tragedy to hang my agenda on for too long. So tell me, between us, what were you thinking of when you started to tear up?

Haley: Oh, just an old memory from my school days when the Feds forced Mississippi to integrate the schools.

Dubya: Ooooh, that's a good one. Luckily for me I went to an exclusive east coast prep school so we didn't have to let any coloreds in.

Haley: Yea, it was a dark time in Mississippi. But that memory served me well today.

Dubya: It sure did. I could hear the approval points going up up up!

Haley: Great. Now what should I do?

Dubya: You just stick with me and you'll be great. First thing, just keep right on saying things like your "hearts go out to the victims", and "god bless the people of our state" and all that religious based shit the people think we believe. And be nice to everybody, especially democrats.

Haley: What?! Oh I don't think I can do that Geor...

Dubya: Trust me on this. Who's the one who rode a national tragedy for three full years all the way to reelection?

Haley: You.

Dubya: That's right. So pay attention. Ok, so after it calms down a little, go to one of the shelter areas and do some photo-ops with the refugees.

Haley: Aww shit man, those people haven't showered in days.

Dubya: You have to do it. It's no big deal. Have your staff find a shelter that has their water working and go to that one. Go in the afternoon so your sure everyone's already had a shower.

Haley: Hey, that's good thinking.

Dubya: Another Karl idea. He's worth every bit of Halliburton stock I've given him. Now, you'll have to sit through the most mind-numbing stories about people's houses and pets being gone, lost family heirlooms, and missing grandparents and shit. But stick with it. You'll want to run screaming back to your hotel and order a steak, but you have to sit through every single annoying cry-baby bitching about their lost business. I've found that if you do one or two shots of bourbon before you go, it helps you just kind of phase out and think about other things. And make sure you hug people. That's very important.

Haley: Ah crap. Even the black ones?

Dubya: Especially the black ones. And the Democrats.

Haley: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Dubya: Leading is hard work.

Haley: Anything else? What about down the road?

Dubya: Well, here's the game plan for the next few weeks and months. First, don't say anything bad about Democrats for a while.

Haley: Awwww...

Dubya: I'm serious. Play nice with them and say that you're working together for the good of blah blah blah and all that shit. It plays great in the sticks. Oh, and let the looting go on for a while.

Haley: What?!

Dubya: Yea. Tell the people that you have to let the authorities do the rescue stuff and you can't stop it now. This will work to your advantage later. And mine.

Haley: How could this possibly...

Dubya: Well, who wants to end affirmative action in his state?

Haley: I do.

Dubya: And what color are the looters?

Haley: Ah ha.

Dubya: See what I mean? So a couple of months down the road, when you are arresting all the people the cops have identified in the videos, and the videos are airing again on TV, you can introduce your affirmative action bill. You won't need to bother saying anything bad about Negroes because the media will be doing it for you. And you'll probably be able to get away with adding looting to the list of death penalty eligible crimes. Nothing says leadership like killing Negroes.

Haley: Brilliant. How will this help you?

Dubya: Ah, that's the beauty of this one, I get to kill two birds with one stone. I'll be able to attack the Democrats as soft on crime, because they wouldn't let us stop the looters. So that will give me some more time distracting everyone from the Iraq dealy thing I got us into. And calling Democrats soft on crime is a proven winner, and they'll want to look tougher so they'll give me more expanded powers in the Patriot Act. Which, in turn, will allow me to put more of them coloreds who don't vote for me in jail. Most of my problems get solved by calling the Democrats pussies.

Haley: That doesn't really make any sense though. How can I blame the Democrats for the looting if I'm...

Dubya: Sense?! What country do you think we're in, Sweden? Does it make any sense when I say that people against me bombing the shit out of the Middle East are giving aid and comfort to the enemy and are helping the terrorist win?

Haley: No, none at all actually.

Dubya: See? And it also helps me because I'm going to be untouchable for the next couple of weeks. I'll be touring with you down in Mississippi and hugging the peasants and comforting them, and I'll also get to go to Louisiana and tour with whatever that Frenchie governors name is. And that bitch will have to be nice to me and not say anything bad about my policy for months or she'll look like a total jerk. Ha ha! Plus, I'm going to get credit for rushing back from my vacation early to deal with it even though it was over anyway. Oh man this hurricane is sweet!

Haley: So, do you think I can ride this all the way to reelection?

Dubya: My brother, I think you can ride this all the way to the White House.

Haley: Really?

Dubya: Heck yea! Stick with me kid. Just remember, every speech you give after this you have to mention Katrina at least six or seven times. Oooh, and when you kick off your campaign you should use that "Walking on Sunshine" song. Yea, that will be sweet. You gotta keep reminding them who was in charge when disaster struck. You can't lose that way. I don't know why, you just can't.

Haley: Thanks a lot George, I'm really going to have some fun with this now. Leave it to you to know how to turn a negative into a positive.

Dubya: That's what I'm good at. Now, I'll be seeing you down there this weekend. I'm going to go look over the speech Karl wrote for me. I'll be talking about how we're not going to wait for the hurricanes to come to us before we act. We're going to fight them on their turf and kill them where they live.

Haley: Nice. That Karl's got a knack.

Dubya: He sure does. Oh, and Haley?

Haley: Yes Georgie?

Dubya: After you move in to the White house, do you think I could still come over and use the mirror in the Lincoln Bedroom?

Haley: Anything for you George.

Dubya: Boo-ya! Party Time! (snort) Ahhhh...that's what I'm talkin' about. All right comet guy, you have fun huggin' the blacks, and I'll see you this weekend. (snort) Yee-Haw! Oh cool, Andy Griffith is on! (snort)