White Parent's Burden

I've said before that I don't want this to become a "daddy blog" because parenting blogs are basically the worst kind of blog in the world. But it looks like I'll be spending the next four months or so obsessing about where my daughter will be going to school next year. So this is what's on my mind right now.

We got back from our SE Asia trip last week and pretty much immediately leapt in to the beginning of our kindergarten odyssey. Applications submitted and first school open house visited.

Four years ago my wife was weighing job offers and it came down to us staying in New York at the institution she had just spent three years in a research training program or accept an attending physician/faculty appointment in Chicago. Moving to Chicago would involve more money and a lower cost of living so those were certainly factors to consider. But we loved living in New York so those things alone did not really sway us. A likely bigger factor was that we were new parents and we knew we were only a few year away from having to navigate the New York school situation. To hear New York parents talk about what it was like dealing with the school choice situation it seemed that they would have preferred being water-boarded.

So off to Chicago we went.

And now it's time to deal with the Chicago schools. One plus from the move already has been that we were able to delay this for a year since New York has a later birthday cutoff date for starting school. Our daughter would already be in kindergarten in NYC. There are a lot of conflicting opinions about whether it's better to start school earlier or later, I just know I'm happy I got an extra year before I had to deal with this shit.

Our first school open house was an experience with mixed feelings.

Excited, because this school looks to be fantastic. We fell in love with the principal, the kindergarten teacher we met, the curriculum, the percentile where the students test scores sit, and the amazingly high percentage of their students who move on to "selective" high schools in he city. It is also not that far from our apartment.

Then it was time to get depressed. This fantastic school is a citywide magnet school. They have two classes per grade of about 30 students each. So there will be 60 slots for next year's kindergarten. Siblings of current students at the school get first dibs and the principal said that they will take around 30 of the slots on average. So that leaves around 30 slots to be filled by completely random lottery. And every year about 1,500 kids or more apply to kindergarten at this school. So my daughter has about a 1-in-50 chance at this school, at best. I won't be holding my breath.

I remember the parent giving us our tour saying that when her kid got the spot at the school it was "like we won the lottery." I'm not sure how she didn't seem to get that she literally won the lottery.

We still have other magnet schools to visit as well as a couple of selective elementary schools. Selective meaning that your kid has to test in to it. How exactly they test a 5-year-old to see if they are super smart I'm not really sure, and no other parents seem to know either, even if they have had their kids do it already. At some point we will be given a time to take our daughter down to where they do the testing and someone will take her in to a room while we wait. And that's pretty much all we know from other parents. It seems the test involves giving your child a memory-erasing mind sweep at the end of it because they're not telling their parents what went on in there.

We haven't visited the selective school close to us yet but we're in love with it on paper. Chicago Magazine calls it one of the best schools in the city and their test scores are though the roof (as someone who despises standardized testing it is weird to be looking at this data, but they don't give you much else to consider). But of course they are starting with the kids they've deemed to be smarty pants anyway. Unlike he magnet schools I have no idea what my daughter's chances are to get in to this school. Sure, I assume she's a genius, as does her mother and her grandparents. But we might be a little more biased than the testing person will be about her.

All of this has causes my wife and I to have conversations about what we will do if she doesn't get in to any of these schools. The elementary school that is our default neighborhood school (the one you are guaranteed a spot in based on where you live) is a decent one, not considered one of the best in the city but certainly solid. And it is in a brand new building that we can walk to in ten minutes.

But in trying to figure out what is best for our kid my wife and I chatted about another option: moving. We rent, so picking up and moving is no problem for us. And it turns out that the school considered the best neighborhood school in the city is just north of us. All we have to do to be in the boundary for that school is move slightly more than 1/2-mile. Not the drastic move to the 'burbs like many middle-class white people make - we are dedicated urbanites, the suburbs suck out your spirit and crush it like a paper cup - but still. I don't think it was that long ago that my friends who became parents at a younger age than me would ask about schools in our neighborhood and my response would be, "how should I know." I didn't imagine I would become this parent. Of course it wasn't that long before I became a parent that I didn't even imagine I would become one at all. And now I'm not only a father but a stay-at-home variety at that.

Whether this is something we will actually do (move for a better school) I'm not sure but I can't believe this is where my life is now.

As stressful as this is turning out to be for me I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for a resident of this city who does not have the socioeconomic status that we do. If we don't get in to one of the test-in or magnet schools our fallback is still pretty good, and if we don't like that we have the resources to make a change. A low-income black parent in a crappy neighborhood has very few options if they want a better life for their kid. If they don't test-in to one of the gifted or classical schools then they count on the luck of the draw for a magnet school, with its long odds. Failing that they are left with a shitty neighborhood school with such a high population of impoverished kids that it is impossible for the school to succeed.

No matter what happens to us my daughter will not walk to school through a gang-infested, high-crime neighborhood. She'll be in a solid school even if we don't win a lottery or test-in spot. She does not have parents who have to work two jobs each to make ends meet and would have no time to help with homework or be involved in her school. She has a stay-at-home parent who will be able to pick her up every day and not even have to do after school programs. It is something I'm trying to keep in mind as I stress about this.

Like any parent I want to try to do the best for my kid but not lose sight of how bad it is not. Too many parents in the situation we are in like to complain as if they are being shoved aside in favor of under-performing minority kids. Without explaining too much how it works, Chicago has a tier system to be sure of diversity in the test-in and magnet schools, grouping students in four different socioeconomic groups based on zip code (we're in the highest one) so, yes, kids from a lower tier can get in to a test-in school with a lower score than some kids from the higher tier. Many upper and upper-middle class white parents howl about this as being unfair. I call them assholes.

These are people who live in an area with good neighborhood schools and many of them can afford to send their kids to a great private school if they so choose. Poor people have to win a long-shot lottery or their kids' futures are statistically fucked and these wealthier people want to bitch about fair?

When you make a choice to live in the city one of those reasons should be for the diversity. Without a system in place for the schools to achieve a diverse population then our kids will grow up around just a bunch of other well-off white kids. I would move to the suburbs if I wanted that. A big reason for wanting my daughter to get in to one of the magnet/test-in schools is that they are more diverse than our neighborhood school options.

I understand wanting to do the best for your kid as much as anybody. My school life growing up was awful all the way from first grade through high school graduation and almost every adult in my life failed me along the way. I want my kid to have it better than that.

I imagine that most poor minority parents want the same. They should have just as good a chance as me to achieve it.

The Stupidity of the Parents vs. the Childless Wars

I know I said in my first post in restarting this thing that I hope this doesn't devolve in to a daddy blog but then here I go right out of the gate with parenting (or not parenting) as a topic. I read this piece on line that a friend - one of my favorite people and a great mom - linked to on Facebook. It was one of the stupidest tirades about parenting I've ever read so I really need to attack the douche bag who wrote it. And point out why he's so wrong.

His name is Matt Walsh and I'd never heard of the guy before this but apparently he thinks he's famous. He has a talk radio show - same as about a thousand other white males - and this blog where he had this post.

From the title of the post you think he has a beef with parents who don't control their kids but the opposite is the case. He has a problem with childless people with opinions. I found from looking through a little of his blog that he does this a lot with his post titles, making them the opposite of the point he is really making. So he also thinks he's clever.

The gist of his post here is about a kid having a meltdown in a grocery store and a childless guy has a problem with it:

You glanced toward the mother and the kid, then at me, rolled your eyes and said in a loud voice: “Man, some people need to learn how to control their f**king kids.” The lady could definitely hear you, but I guess that was your intention. You had this expression like you were expecting a high five. “Yeah, put it here, dude, you really told that young mother and her three year old off! Nice!” Is that how you thought I’d respond? What is it about me that made you think I would react that way? You’re the second stranger in the last few months to say something like that to me about a mom with a tantrum-throwing toddler.

Yeah, I didn't respond the way you anticipated. Instead, I offered my own helpful suggestion: “Man, some people need to learn how to shut their mouths, watch their language, and mind their own business.”

The rest of the piece kind of goes off on a tangent about childless people being clueless, as well as older parents who try to tell younger parents how things were "in my day."

On the surface of this argument you could see some merit. I hate people telling me how to parent and it is amazing how many people try to do that. But that isn't what is happening in the examples this guy gives.

First, about the situation above. Beyond how much I quoted there, Walsh goes on to praise the mother of the tantrum-throwing child for staying calm and poised and holding her ground to teach sonny a lesson about not getting what he wants and making him help pick up the display he knocked over. He has overwhelming sympathy for this mother and none for the other shoppers in the store. And that's my main issue with his point of view here. Many parents have this completely one-sided idea that everyone in the world need to respect them as parents and accommodate their children but they don't have to do anything to respect or accommodate others in the world.

Walsh says, "...the peanut gallery probably expects you to drop all of your groceries and immediately run into the parking lot, so as to save them from having to deal with the spectacle."

Well, yes! Goddammit yes you fucking douche! This is what enrages me about other parents, this idea that you shouldn't deal with your child's meltdown in a way that limits the intrusion in to others' lives. I understand there are teachable moments in a kid's life, you have to put your foot down and if they are going to have a tantrum about it fine, "have your tantrum but you are still not getting that toy/food/etc. that you want." But the rest of the world should not have to endure your child. You remove them from that place and make them have their tantrum someplace where it inconveniences the least amount of people. It is not rocket science. And I'm not saying you do it because it is embarrassing to you to have people judge you for having a tantrum-throwing child, you do it because your child is not other people's problem.

If an adult is causing a disturbance in a store it is applauded if they are asked to leave. But for some reason rules go out the window when it is a child, be it how they are allowed to act in public or parents being allowed to smack them in ways that would get a person arrested if they did it to an adult. The "rights" of parents trumps all else in the world even when it infringes on others. Walsh is right in that camp, scolding the childless guy for using bad language and having an opinion, while defending a woman who was allowing her child to disturb others. It is a prime example of an asshole parent. You are supposed to put up with my screaming kid and I have no requirement to care about your feelings or rights but you better not use bad words around my kid.

See my point? These types of parents expect accommodation but will make none for others. These are the types who will walk three-abreast on the sidewalk pushing strollers and not even move an inch to let other people by even though they are taking up the whole sidewalk.

I've seen even friends of mine act like this. I was once in a restaurant with friends with a kid who must have been about two-years-old at the time. The kid started to freak a little bit when they were making him stop doing something he wanted to do but they wanted him to stop. They really let him go on a while before his dad finally took him outside. His mother said she didn't even get phased when her kid acts like that and just lets him go on. Oblivious to the people around her and apparently proud of it.

And really, Walsh felt the need to scold someone about their language? It really is a one-sided street with these types. My kid can scream and cry in a public place and you should shut your trap about it, but don't you dare use any potty words around my kid. Fucking hypocritical bullshit. I don't understand parents who get mad at people who use profanity. Your child lives in the world, there are adult humans in the world, adult humans use profanity. Get over it. It is about the least bad thing for someone to do around your kids.

And using "f**king" instead of just typing out "fucking" is so goddamn childish and insulting to your readers intelligence. Or is he trying to protect the fragile minds of the three-year-olds reading his blog?

The other example Walsh gives in being told how to parent (again, no example he gives is actually anyone telling parents how to do their job) is an older man saying about crying babies in church that "back when our children were babies, you didn't have this problem.” Walsh responds with a snarky,"apparently babies didn't cry in the 50′s." Which, of course, is not at all what the guy was saying. I think he was saying that people got up and walked outside with their crying baby back in his day. Whether or not that's true I don't know but it is a valid point.

Walsh is one of those right-wing tea party evangelicals, which I discovered quickly after looking around his blog a little bit. He is typical of this type, he believes what he believes even if facts show he is wrong. He had one post about Christianity being pro-science - even having invented and advanced science, whereas atheism has done nothing for science - while arguing that religion should be in science class (which means teaching creationism alongside evolution). It is because of guys like him that we have the Parents Television Council that tries to get rid of everything on TV that's not kid-friendly. Because what adults want doesn't matter.

Whenever I hear or read asshats like this I always hear Helen Lovejoy's voice screaming, "Won't somebody please think of the children?"

Then I hear George Carlin responding, "Fuck the children."

I'm not saying there aren't real jerks out there in the world of childless people. Certainly there are. But I don't think believing that you shouldn't have to deal with screaming children when you don't have any makes you a jerk.

A few years ago in New York there was some media coverage (possibly media-created, most definitely media-fueled) about young Brooklyn hipsters in a battle with Brooklyn parents over the issue of kids in bars. It was stupid and a lot of childless people were bitching about just the mere presence of children in the bars whether or not those kids were behaving properly. Parents don't give up their right to have fun when they decide to breed. There are people out there who don't think I should be taking my four-year-old daughter to concerts either (yes I use ear protection for her since you are wondering) but I don't care. People thinking they can live in a world they don't have to ever see children is just as dumb as wanting to live in one without black people or Jews.

It can go both ways I know. Everyone seems to want to feel that they are superior in their choice, they made the right one by having or not having kids. It's a stupid battle that comes out of a complete lack of understanding those on the other side. And it is stoked by shitheads like Matt Walsh.

Childless people who want to live in a world where parents at least try to not let their kid be other people's problem does not make them jerks. But being a fan of Matt Walsh does.