Saturday, June 30, 2007

Neighborhood Pigeon Watch

Living in New York City, which I happen to love, along with all of the really cool things you also see some really fucked up stuff sometimes. Getting almost run over by a cab or seeing some douche-bag drop trash on the ground when he's less than three feet away from a trash can can make you question why you live here. But then you spend a weekend walking around Central Park, going to one of the thousands of great museums, going to see a band at one of the great music clubs and going to all of those things without having to get behind the wheel of an evil car makes up for all of the downside of living in Gotham.

But I saw something last weekend that was really messed up.

My wife's mom and aunt were in town and on Saturday we went to the Baker Street Pub on 1st Ave and 63rd St for brunch. We were sitting at a table in the front by the window and I saw a SUV pull up and double park on the northeast corner.

A guy got out of the drivers side and walked out to the edge of the sidewalk on the 63rd Street side and threw what looked like seeds on to the sidewalk and was whistling at the pigeons up on the ledge of the building, pretty much right above us.

Now this guy just didn't strike me as a bird lover just feeding some pigeons because he likes them. Who the hell pulls up on a random corner just to jump out and feed pigeons?

And it was obvious the pigeons got a bad vibe from this guy too. They flew over to the side of the street where he was throwing the food but they didn't land on the ground. They hung out on other ledges and the phone booth above him. They didn't actually fly down to the sidewalk until he walked back to the SUV.

This is a very different response than the one the pigeons have to the old woman who I see feeding them by the exit ramp from the Queensboro Bridge on 62nd Street. They flock to her before she even gets the food out. They know she loves them.

The pigeons knew something was wrong with this guy. He walked back to his greenhouse gas pollution machine and hung out there. The pigeons finally came down and started pecking at the food on the sidewalk.

Then the guy walked back over toward the birds really quietly carrying a cartoonishly huge net like the Children Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He then made a big swoop straight down on them from the top. I almost jumped out of my chair. What the fuck was that?!

Luckily he missed them all. The pigeons were too smart for the ass hole. He jumped back into his vehicle after only one attempt and sped off. We saw the reason a few seconds later, he had seen a cop car coming.

For the life of me I can't figure out why someone is trying to catch wild pigeons. I don't imagine that caught birds make good homing pigeons, so what the hell is this guy trying to do? I suppose it's possible that there is a culture out there that eats pigeon, and god knows we are represented by every world culture possible here in New York.

But that was just fucked up. I know there are people who don't like pigeons and I've never really understood that. They don't do anything to hurt anybody. I just don't get the hate.

You want to catch and kill a public nuisance why not go after the ass holes who feel the need to drive a car in New York?

I am really glad I didn't get up and go to try to stop the guy as my instinct made me want to do. My wife belongs to a group called the Pigeon People and she got an email notice from them on the very same day warning about a pigeon trapper spotted recently. Their description of the guy seemed to match what we saw and then it went on to say who they thought the guy was, based on what information source I don't know, and had a name for him. And they also said he had a record that included manslaughter and assaulting someone with a box cutter.

So yeah, glad I didn't challenge that guy.

But be careful little pigeons. A bad man in the city is after you.

For any of you that live in New York, if you see this guy in action try to get a license plate number and a photo if you can. Then send it to the Pigeon People.

This ass wipe needs to be taken out. Or have his eyes poked out by a flock of birds.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

UR My BFF & A GR8 Dad. LY & H2CUS. YR Son.

I got an instant message from my cell phone company the other day. It was an important announcement to tell me that all text massages on Father's Day will be free. Because, you know, nothing shows your father how much you love him like an impersonal note on his cell phone on Father's Day.

I guess this is really doing a service for the modern family. Now you can send Dad a Father's Day message without having to think about it in advance and without blowing the 41 cents it takes to send a card. And now your friendly cell phone provider has made it possible to do it while also avoiding the expense of the dime it usually takes to send a text.

Thanks T-Mobile! Bringing families together. How lucky we are to live in such a technologically advanced age. We can maintain our relationships with our parents without ever having to see them again!

For those of you wondering - Yes, I did have to Google search to find text message abbreviations to be able to title today's post.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Shores Of Jersey

OK, so once again I'm really sorry I haven't written anything at all in almost two weeks. I've been working out in beautiful, cosmopolitan Newark, New Jersey for a long stretch this month. Once I get home from working all day, after an hour-and-a-half one way commute, I'm just too beat to get my brain to think of anything interesting. I know, when have I let the lack of anything interesting to write about stop me before?

Anyway, I'm still in the middle of a long work week, but I thought I'd say hi.

In the meantime, check out this brand new, hot off the editing machine video from the Dresden Dolls. It's for the song Shores of California off of Yes, Virginia... and I find it weirdly interesting. For some reason they decided to parody the old California Girls video from David Lee Roth. It's an odd choice, but Amanda Palmer acting all freaky pretty much works in anything.

Five more days until I'll be seeing them at Radio City Music Hall with Cyndi Lauper, Debbie Harry and Erasure...

I've got to get going. Time for the long, ugly ride to Jersey. Garden State my ass.

Friday, June 01, 2007


If you've ever been to a wine tasting you know that they also include a lot of advice about "pairings" with food. They tell you what kind of wine to drink with whatever food you are eating, which for some reason is usually the type of meat. I guess there is an assumption that vegetarians don't drink wine.

They even do this with beer now. With the increase in popularity of micro brews I've seen beer tastings advertised that includes how to pair your beer to the appropriate food. I imagine that a hefeweizen would go with bratwurst.

But really, who needs to know what food to pair with alcohol? I think a much better education would be what booze to match with your emotional state or occasion. That's much more useful to people than what kind of wine to have with a porterhouse. And it addresses more directly why people drink.

I have a few of my own suggestions. Feel free to add your own.

Let's start with a positive emotion. Extreme happiness. For this, the suggested pairing is Cosmopolitans. If you see any pictures of me from the weekend I got married, I don't think you'll see me not holding a Cosmo.

For anxiety? No better match than Jägermeister. Calms the nerves real nice. Throw in an Ativan for an extra strength nerve calming.

Now for a specific anxiety instead of just general, you may need to change that up. For anxiety that comes from a fear of flying a special mix may be needed. This is when you pull out the big guns of an Ativan and two pre-flight vodka cranberry juices. Follow this with two in-flight vodka-crans and you'll be right as rain. For flights over 4 hours, add an additional vodka-cran every hour.

What about family reunions? If yours is anything like mine, a bunch of backward-ass country fucks, you'll need lots and lots of Screwdrivers. And probably some marijuana. And if you can get your hands on any opiates...

And depression. Is there really any other better use for alcohol than depression? But there are different drinks for different depressing occasions.

If you are in your early twenties and your college girlfriend dumps you, go with a twelve pack of Keystone Light and a bottle of tequila.

If you are a Cubs fan and you just saw your team come two outs away from going to the World Series only to blow it, just keep drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon until you pass out. If the Cubs win the World Series, well, pretty much the same applies.

Didn't get that job you wanted? There are a couple of ways to go. If you missed out on a white collar executive position, go with twelve year-old scotch. You deserve it.

Get turned down for that crappy blue collar factory job? Budweiser is your friend.

If you are an artistic type and you didn't get that big part or story published, punish yourself with some Rumple Minze.

Now if you did get any of the above jobs and you want to celebrate, go with a Guinness or a Boddingtons. Unless you're the executive guy, then just upgrade to the 30 year-old scotch.

If your insane mother comes to visit for a weekend, you'll need three bottle of Pinot Noir.

Under 40 birthday? Sangria.

Over 40 birthday? Vodka.

And for a celebration I'm planning on having later this year, when the Yankees miss the playoffs and finish in (or close to) last place? Break out the Miller High Life baby!!! Celebrate the demise of the Evil Empire with The Champagne of Beers.

Those are just a few suggestions. Feel free to let me know yours.

And remember the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "To Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."