Pairings

If you've ever been to a wine tasting you know that they also include a lot of advice about "pairings" with food. They tell you what kind of wine to drink with whatever food you are eating, which for some reason is usually the type of meat. I guess there is an assumption that vegetarians don't drink wine.

They even do this with beer now. With the increase in popularity of micro brews I've seen beer tastings advertised that includes how to pair your beer to the appropriate food. I imagine that a hefeweizen would go with bratwurst.

But really, who needs to know what food to pair with alcohol? I think a much better education would be what booze to match with your emotional state or occasion. That's much more useful to people than what kind of wine to have with a porterhouse. And it addresses more directly why people drink.

I have a few of my own suggestions. Feel free to add your own.

Let's start with a positive emotion. Extreme happiness. For this, the suggested pairing is Cosmopolitans. If you see any pictures of me from the weekend I got married, I don't think you'll see me not holding a Cosmo.

For anxiety? No better match than Jägermeister. Calms the nerves real nice. Throw in an Ativan for an extra strength nerve calming.

Now for a specific anxiety instead of just general, you may need to change that up. For anxiety that comes from a fear of flying a special mix may be needed. This is when you pull out the big guns of an Ativan and two pre-flight vodka cranberry juices. Follow this with two in-flight vodka-crans and you'll be right as rain. For flights over 4 hours, add an additional vodka-cran every hour.

What about family reunions? If yours is anything like mine, a bunch of backward-ass country fucks, you'll need lots and lots of Screwdrivers. And probably some marijuana. And if you can get your hands on any opiates...

And depression. Is there really any other better use for alcohol than depression? But there are different drinks for different depressing occasions.

If you are in your early twenties and your college girlfriend dumps you, go with a twelve pack of Keystone Light and a bottle of tequila.

If you are a Cubs fan and you just saw your team come two outs away from going to the World Series only to blow it, just keep drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon until you pass out. If the Cubs win the World Series, well, pretty much the same applies.

Didn't get that job you wanted? There are a couple of ways to go. If you missed out on a white collar executive position, go with twelve year-old scotch. You deserve it.

Get turned down for that crappy blue collar factory job? Budweiser is your friend.

If you are an artistic type and you didn't get that big part or story published, punish yourself with some Rumple Minze.

Now if you did get any of the above jobs and you want to celebrate, go with a Guinness or a Boddingtons. Unless you're the executive guy, then just upgrade to the 30 year-old scotch.

If your insane mother comes to visit for a weekend, you'll need three bottle of Pinot Noir.

Under 40 birthday? Sangria.

Over 40 birthday? Vodka.

And for a celebration I'm planning on having later this year, when the Yankees miss the playoffs and finish in (or close to) last place? Break out the Miller High Life baby!!! Celebrate the demise of the Evil Empire with The Champagne of Beers.

Those are just a few suggestions. Feel free to let me know yours.

And remember the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "To Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."