Dirty Mitt

It's a great day for Massachusetts and America everyone. The governor of the Commonwealth has announced he won't be running for a second term next year. Even if you're not from Massachusetts, you may have heard of our Republican head of state, Mitt Romney, because chances are he has been spending more time in your state than ours. Especially if you live in New Hampshire or Iowa. Here in the Bay State we're not even sure what he looks like anymore. See, he isn't going to try for a second term because he's planning on running for president. Now of course that's not why he says he's not running for Governor again. No, he claims that he accomplished everything he set out to do in his first term so there is no need for him to run again. Hope he didn't hurt his arm patting himself on the back. In case you were wondering, these are some of the things on his agenda during his term:

Enact a death penalty in Massachusetts.
Limit stem cell research.
Restrict gay marriage.
Lower income taxes.
Force the Mass Turnpike Authority (in charge of Mass Pike and Big Dig - anything with tolls) to combine with the highway department (in charge of all other highways/freeways) and get rid of the position of Turnpike Chairman.

Want to guess how many of these things he's accomplished? Zero. Zilch. Nada. Absolutely nothin'! Say it again! I said none, hunh! (Imagine the song War there, not really sure of the best way to spell the grunting sound)

Now of course I'm pretty darn happy that most of these things failed. Except for the Turnpike/highway proposal. I thought that was a good idea, would have saved a lot of money combining the two departments and eliminating the political patronage job of Turnpike Authority Chairman would have been great. Of course, that's why they couldn't make it happen, Massachusetts without political patronage jobs just wouldn't be Massachusetts.

Be prepared America, for his biggest boast about his time as governor. He will tell you over and over again about how when he took office there was a $3 billion budget gap and that he closed it without raising taxes. What he won't tell you is that the $3 billion figure was the projected shortfall the state was expecting and the actual amount turned out to be about half that. He also won't tell you that he raised the price of a driver's license in the state to $90, up from $75. My math, which could be wrong since I mostly suck at math, tells me that is a whopping 20% increase in the license fee, which was already the highest in the country. Yes that's right, you folks who live in states where a driver's license cost between $10 and $20 (almost all the rest of them), when I moved to this god-forsaken town I had to fork over 90 bucks for a license. That was not a typo. He also won't mention that how a lot of the money that closed the budget gap came from closing loopholes in corporate tax law. Not that I disagree with that one at all, but if a Democrat did that, and raised a fee that virtually everyone in the state has to pay every four years, it would be called raising taxes. Just remember that when he's visiting your town (and he will be visiting your town, that you can be sure of) sometime over the next year or three.

We in Massachusetts now unleash him on you, America.

Don't get me wrong, I come here not to bury Mitt but to praise him. I'm encouraging all of you to register as Republicans (wait, come back and hear me out) for the 2008 primaries and vote for Mitt. Why, you ask? Here's the deal. Mitt is tacking way to the right on everything - abortion, gay marriage, Iraq, death penalty - to establish himself as the religious right candidate, even though he ran as a moderate to be governor. He's thinking he'll just go for the conservative base while McCain and Giuliani duke it out for the sane, yet still Republican, people's votes. This would be perfect. See, the right wing wack jobs will love what he's saying when he's bashing gays a screaming along with them about the "liberal war on Christmas" (by the way, why the hell didn't anyone tell me we declared war on Christmas? I didn't buy my green and red camouflage fatigues), but there will be one little problem. Mitt's a Mormon. And as much as they'll love his fucked up agenda, they won't be able to bring themselves to vote for someone from a "false" religion. The nut-job Evangelical Christians don't believe that the nut-job Mormon Christians are "true" Christians. So he's the perfect choice for the Republican nomination. The right will want to vote for him really really bad but just won't be able to get over their religious bigotry to do it. They will either stay home on election day or vote for a third party Patrick Buchanan or Alan Keyes candidacy. I know it's hard to believe they would vote for a black guy over a white guy, but come on, this is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we're talking about here. They don't want a bigamist running the country! A lot of them probably think that the Mormons practice sacrifice rituals and snake handling. It won't even matter who the Democratic nominee is, with Mitt as the GOP choice, he or she (and by "she", of course, I mean Hillary) will be a shoe-in. He'll sweep up in Utah, sure, but that's about it. You think this guy has a chance in Alabama? They might think Donny and Marie are cute kids and everything, but they're not ready for a Mormon in the White House. It's like how they have black "friends" (the janitor they say hi to at work) but don't exactly invite them over for dinner or let them date their daughters.

I know it will be hard for some of you to ask for a GOP ballot on primary day, but it's time for some of you Democrats to take one for the team. With Mitt (and yes, that's really his name, I know you're wondering, his middle name) as the nominee this Republican dictatorship can finally end.