Whew! We Dodged A National Fucking Tragedy On That One

Well, Miss USA gets to keep her crown. Boy, imagine the turmoil our country would get thrown into if we had an impeachment of the Great Busty One. Stock market crashes, hospitals close, schools shut down, floods, locusts, forced abortions, a president takes office without being legitimately elected (oh wait...), George Lucas makes another Star Wars trilogy and who knows what other horrible things may have come to pass if (gasp) the runner-up had to take over for her. But luckily the Great Benevolent One, Donald Trump, saved us all from the national nightmare.

That sound you hear is me gagging.

Who cares about this? I honestly didn't even know that Miss USA still existed. Isn't this the contest that can't even get a network TV deal anymore? Or is that Miss America? Heck, does Miss America exist anymore? Can anyone name her? Can anyone name any Miss USAs/Americas from the past? I can name one, and I'll bet you can think of only one too, and it will be the same one as mine. More on that later.

I was home watching CNN, because I like to torture myself, when they broke in for the live news conference concerning the fate of what's-her-face. Live. CNN, and other news channels, actually decided it was the most important thing happening in the world at that time and needed to be covered live. And because Donald Trump is involved all of the media outlets had some sort of variation of "Will Miss USA be 'fired?'" as the way to lead the story. Get it? HA ha, see it's funny...'cause Donald has that show...and when the loser gets booted...ha ha. Boy those media types are just geniuses. It took a sharp mind to think of that. Well, the mind of a fourth grader anyway. Not to be out done in the wit department, Miss Thang herself used the phrase when she got up to speak to the press after finding out she would keep her sash.

And then she started to cry. And while about a hundred times more photographers than covered the Chief Justice Roberts confirmation hearings snapped pictures, she declared that she would use her second chance to "be the best Miss USA ever." Boy, that ought to be really difficult. She'll have to work her ass off to beat...ummm...that...one...ummm...you know...the girl from...uh...that state...in that year...

I really wanted the press to do a follow-up and ask her what she will specifically do to become the "best" one ever. Here are some answers I imagined she might give.

"I'm going to put on the glossy red lipstick thicker than it has ever been put on before."
"Super Strength Vasoline for my teeth."
"I'm going to cut ceremonial ribbons to open county fairs like have never been cut before."
"Nobody, and I mean nobody, will be able to compete with my new head turn/hair flip move I'll be unveiling at the People's Choice Awards."
"I'm going to stand with one leg straight and the other slightly bent while wearing a bikini like it's never been done before."
"I'm going to be sporting the pushiest push-up bra the world has ever seen."
"I'm going to encourage more teenage girls to hate their bodies and have low self-esteem, and create more cases of anorexia and bulimia than all of my predecessors combined."

You go girl! Be all that you can be. Wouldn't want to use that pea-sized brain of yours instead of your tits and ass to get along in the world. My god, if you had been tossed who knows what you may have had to resort to. You may have had to find a real job, or enrolled in an actual college to learn something and better yourself. Thank your lucky stars that Sugardaddy Trump saved you from such horror.

So Trumpy created another publicity stunt, and that's all this was. He was never considering getting rid of her, this was just all created to get people to notice the Miss USA thing again and to actually know her name. I still don't know her name, because I didn't bother to notice it. But a lot of people do now that didn't before. And all the overuse of the phrase "you're fired" over the past week right before the new season of his dumb TV show starts, you think that's a coincidence? I doubt it.

Come on, this has all the makings of a contrived publicity stunt. Her so-called "bad" behavior sounds like a paint-by-numbers male porn fantasy. She snorted some coke, drank some cocktails and made out with Miss Teen USA. Damn, if they had included that it happened at a football game, every dunderhead male in America would be glued to the TV for the pageant. And that's exactly what Trump is counting on.

And it might work. So who's the one Miss America/USA you can name? Right, Vanessa Williams. And it's not because she was the "best" Miss America ever, but because she had a bunch of pictures taken of her licking another girl in lots of fun places that ended up in Penthouse. And it turned out to be the best thing that happened to her (hell, my mother bought that issue) because it made her a household name overnight. She lost her crown and ended up with a singing and acting career. Not a bad trade.

Oh, and as a follow up to this whole thing, the beauty pageant pimp showed his true nature after getting called out by Rosie O'Donnell. Basically she made fun of him for acting like a moral compass for young people when he cheats on his wives and leaves them when they start to approach their sell-by date, which for him seems to be about the age of 35. It was a really great rant on his imagined moral authority.

And how did he respond? He called her a fat slob.

Just in case his owning a shallow "beauty" pageant that objectifies women wasn't proof enough that he's a sexist ass, his best response to being criticized by a strong-willed woman is to bag on her appearance.

Classy to the end. What a misogynist prick.