Jesus Can Kiss My Ass

How's that for a provocative title? I figured I'd go with a religious theme today in honor of Easter, which for some reason people felt the need to keep reminding me last week that it was yesterday. Like I cared.

At some point last week Joe asked me if my wife and I wanted to come over on Friday and color Easter eggs. He told me I could draw anti-Christian messages on them if I wanted, which was a really sweet thing to say. We wanted to go, because we just like hanging out with Joe and Megan for any reason. They are not really religious people themselves, but they get really into the holidays. Joe has what I consider an unnatural relationship with Christmas that just don't get. He lives for it. He's fairly normal in most other ways. I think maybe his parents put egg nog in his bottle as a baby or maybe he got hit on the head by a star falling off the top of the family tree while unwrapping his Pong machine.

We ended up not going only because Joe and I have successful, career-driven wives who were wiped out at the end of their week, not because of my usual aversion to anything to do with Christian holidays.

But the whole thing did raise a question for the wife and me. We are thinking about having a kid at some point in the near-ish future and we have to kind of deal with the whole holiday issue at some point.

As two people who are either atheist or agnostic, however you want to define it, do we celebrate these holidays as a cultural or seasonal thing? Do we do all of the stuff that people do at the holidays because it is fun for kids and just ignore the religious aspect? I know a lot of people that do this. Hell, Christmas is barely a religious holiday at all anymore so what's the big deal.

Well my gut reaction answer to these questions is "fuck no." I don't think we should celebrate Christmas, Easter or any other holiday with its origins in religion with our kid. I know that the Easter Bunny and Santa can be all cute and fun for kids and everything and that most people are of the opinion that it is good for kids to have these magical things.

But that's how the indoctrination begins.

Super religious dingle-berries like to bitch and moan that things like the holiday mascots are taking the religion out of what are supposed to be Christian celebrations. But I don't think anything could be farther from the truth. Giving the kids cute and fuzzy things is how they draw you in and begin the propaganda and brain washing. I remember Easter as a kid being a fun holiday where you hunt for eggs and get a bunch of candy, like a spring Halloween. But at some point when I got older there was somebody there to start telling me the "true story" behind Easter and what it was really about. The next thing you know I've got some ass-hole filling my head with Jesus dying for my sins and other such nonsensical bullshit.

Same goes with Christmas. I'm not sure when it happens but at some point during childhood Santa suddenly turns into Jesus, who doesn't bring you a goddamn thing, and I'm suppose to make the holiday about him instead of me getting a lot of great toys that I'll play with for a week and a half and then put away until the next garage sale. The world's biggest bait and switch.

These are not things I want to see happen to my future child. And if I celebrate these holidays with him or her, even in a secular way, there are others out there who take it as an invitation to teach your child the "true meaning of (insert Christian holiday here)."

Just this week my born again Jesus freak mother bought little plush toy Easter bunnies for my sister's kids, who are being raised without religion (my sister being the other sane person in my family).

Know what was printed on the front of the cute and fuzzy bunnies?

"Jesus loves me."

And this isn't the only type of person (grandmothers) that pulls shit like this. It's a lot like how this last Christmas we got a super religious form letter/Christmas card from my brother and his wife that had phrases like "praise His name" and "celebrate His name" so many times I lost count. And why the hell is Jesus always get His pronouns capitalized anyway? The rules of the English language don't apply to Jesus?

These are the kind of people that are going to constantly be barraging my child with their fairy tales to try to draw them in to their lair.

And why do people think this is OK? I've said it before, and I'll say it again, would people do this to a Jewish friend? Do they think it's OK to send them a "Jesus loves me" toy or a letter that praises His name? Most people would say that in no way is that OK, and it is even offensive. But for some reason these whacked-out Christians think it's fine to do it to the atheists/secularists/agnostics of the world. They have some sort of delusional idea that we are looking for someone to show us the "answer" or something.

Well guess what? We're not, so leave us the hell alone. And that includes my future child.

Screw Easter, screw Christmas and screw Jesus.

I know that sounds harsh. But you have to actually say things that hardcore and offensive to them to get them to stop the madness. For a long time after my mother went cuckoo for Jesus, and also discovered email, she was constantly forwarding me religious propaganda in the form of heartfelt (usually fake) stories and inspiring messages about faith. No matter how much I explained to her that I didn't believe in religion she continued to send them to me.

So one day I hit reply and wrote "Fuck your god."

I've never gotten another religious email from my mother.

I'm working on a reply to this year's Jesus propaganda letter from my sister-in-law that we will get in December. I already know how I'm going to sign it, and all other letters to people who send me religious messages.

In Satan's name,

Deni