Coffee Snobs

When I lived in Seattle, in the grungy halcyon days of the mid and late 90s, one of the many jobs I passed through was that of a barista. That's not really saying much. Just about anybody who lives in the Emerald City during their twenties ends up pulling espresso at one time or another. Except for my friends Joe, Megan and Gene, who all seemed to have adult jobs in their twenties for some reason. You can even work in fast food and technically call yourself a barista since even the McDonalds and Burger Kings in Seattle serve espresso. (Similar to how the ones in Maine serve those nasty-ass lobster rolls)

I did coffee for longer than any other job I had in my Gen-X slacker years (which I'm sure will end any year now). I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I sat at a cart outside the Safeway at 40th Street and Stone Way in the Wallingford neighborhood. A solo-shift operation, I had no co-workers or boss around all day long. I listened to music, read books, socialized with my friends who stopped by, and smoked cigarettes.

And mainlined caffeine. When I got the shakes I knew it was time to eat, so I would grab some corn dogs and tasty jo-jo potatoes from the deli inside using the money from my tip jar.

Ah, the tips. Cash in pocket every day. Beer and smokes money. And it was really quite amazing that I made any. I was a pretty shitty barista in so many ways. I was so rude to people all the time. I would abuse them and they would put a buck in my jar. It sometimes astounded me. Someone would ask me to make them a latte with sugar in it and I would give them the cup and tell them to put the sugar in themselves. And for this I got change given freely to me?

I think my schtick worked because Seattle is such a "nice" place. People are so damn polite to each other that it becomes tiresome. Coming and getting abused by the surly barista reading Emma Goldman's autobiography was a break in the day. And I was playing a character, the Coffee Dude. Like the peanut man at the ballpark or the bartender in the local dive bar, I played my part.

And really, if your drug dealer insults you do you really care as long as he gets you your fix?

I didn't really take the "art" of pulling espresso very seriously. Seattle is full of espresso aficionados, or so they think. Serving coffee snobs for as long as I did makes you realize one thing. They don't know shit. I pulled weak-ass shots all the time and people couldn't tell the damn difference. Someone would ask me for a drink with ristretto (short) shots and I would just make it how I normally do. They would take a drink and say "perfect!" Idiots. It was amazing to see such a large population of snobs who didn't actually know nearly as much about the subject they were snobby about like Seattle coffee drinkers.

Their request would be so specific and I would do it so general but they wouldn't notice one bit. I had people tell me the exact temperature they wanted to have their latte steamed to but I never used the milk thermometers. They never noticed. Or the exact amount of flavored syrup they wanted in their drink. "An ounce and a quarter of vanilla please." Like I would actually use the shot measuring cups. Puh-lease!

One day, after I had been doing this job for almost two years, someone came up and asked me for a latte with three quarters of a packet of sugar. I called my boss and gave my notice. I'd had enough.

It was a great gig for a while. But the uppity attitude about coffee finally got to me. It wasn't just that people had the way they liked their coffee. So many of them were convinced that their way was the only way. If you like your coffee some other way you just weren't a real coffee person. Anyone who asked for ristretto shots or a macchiato was especially likely to have this attitude. It's pretty annoying. I drank a lot of coffee over the time that I worked there in hundreds of different ways. Straight espresso, Americano, caramel vanilla mocha, cappuccino (both dry and wet), you name it I've had it. And they are almost all good. As long as you've got quality coffee you can't go wrong.

I thought about this recently because for some weird reason I've heard a few examples of this again lately. I've heard several people fairly recently, including my wife's lovely aunt who I like a lot and my best friend Joe, say that if you don't drink your coffee black you just don't like coffee.

I got news for you black coffee drinkers. Plenty of people who like to dress up their java know and love their coffee just fine. Just because I like to have a little hazelnut creamer in my cup 'o joe doesn't mean I can't tell the difference between good coffee and bad.

At one point I considered this idea, that I really just like the sweetness and not the coffee itself. I thought I could save money, since I flavor my coffee, by just getting a can of Maxwell House instead of always buying the quality whole beans. Big mistake. Once you've gone to such good quality you can't go back. So don't tell me I don't like my coffee.

And really, is there another food product that anyone would say that about? Coffee seems to be unique in that way.

I like my pizza plain. A perfect food that does not need anything extra. Would I tell someone that like mushrooms on their pie that they don't really like pizza? I think if I ever accused my wife ('shrooms and olives) of such a thing I would be sleeping on the couch. Those would be fighting words.

Hey, you put salt on your omelette! Man, you must really not like eggs.

You're drinking PBR instead of Guinness? You really hate beer don't you? (This one seems likely to get you beat up in many places)

You don't ever hear people say these things. Only coffee drinkers seem to pull this attitude.

I'm so glad I'm not an espresso jockey anymore.