Come Together

Well, it finally happened. The impossible. Leaders of three major world religions, Christianity, Judaism and Islam, have come together for a common cause. Putting their differences and mistrust of each other aside, they are standing as one. What could make this miracle of miracles happen you ask? The fight against poverty? The horrible crime of sex-slavery? The AIDS pandemic? The oppression of women worldwide? The sudden realization that they all worship the same god? All wonderful reasons to come together and break bread with your fellow man, but no. The common thread that has brought these three religions together is they all agree that they hate queers. It seems that there is going to be an event in Jerusalem called WorldPride 2005, which is an international festival promoting gay rights and tolerance. The theme of the festival is "Love Without Borders", and these religious leaders will have none of that. So they called a press conference. And these "holy men" stood together as one to condemn the event. It was a very serious occasion, but the mood was lightened somewhat by the comedic stylings of American Orthodox rabbi Yehuda Levin, who zinged the crowd with his amazing one-liner "This is not a homo-land. This is the Holy Land". I hear he'll be playing the Catskills all month. Though I would tell him to leave out the follow-up joke about spiritual rape, you should end the show with your "A" material.

I can't believe this is all it took to bring these religious foes together, a little homophobia. Heck, they've shared a common goal of oppressing women for years and even that didn't bring them together (I suppose different methods of oppression were a sticking point). The festival hasn't even begun yet, there are still months to go, and it is already bringing the world's religions together with just the promise of a few gay films and a little parade. Imagine what else could be done with even more stimuli. So here's my urge to the attendees of the festival, all in the name of peace in the Middle East: Go gay nuts! If the mere thought of your presence can bring these centuries-old enemies together for a short press conference, just imagine what you can do if you really gay it up. And I'm not just talking about men with handlebar mustaches in leather hats or chicks in overalls with buzz cuts. I'm talking blow jobs at the wailing wall, anal sex in the Temple Mount, lesbian orgy in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre (but keep your heads covered girls, you must humble yourself before the lord), and drag shows (with music by Deee-Lite!) at the Dome of the Rock. Maybe then there will finally be peace in the Middle East. Carter couldn't do it. Clinton and Bush couldn't do it. But maybe, just maybe, Harvey Fierstein and Melissa Etheridge, et al, can.