'Roid Rage

As everyone has heard by now, Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for steroids and the baseball writers and sportscasters are having a field day with the whole thing. Going on and on about whether or not he deserves to go to the Hall Of Fame now that he's been tainted, with a lot of them calling for more and tougher steroid testing for players. If you've ever watched Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti on ESPN you've seen that he is absolutely foaming at the mouth over this topic. And now Congress is going to investigate ol' Raffy for perjury. If you remember, back in March several current and former Major League players were called before a committee to testify about steroid use in their profession. So OK, we have a crappy economy and a war we started in the Middle East that's going really poorly, but hey why don't we use our time to investigate a few dumb jocks using steroids? We got nothin' better to do! And of course all the players denied they ever took steroids or HGH, except for Jose Canseco who admitted it all in his book (and implicated Palmeiro and Mark McGwire among others) and was the main reason the hearing was called. And also McGwire, who didn't admit or deny anything and whimpered like a little girl who just lost her first beauty contest. He kept saying things like "look forward and not back" like a question-avoiding pro. So of course he looked the worst at the time. Palmeiro was the best though. Not only did he deny it vehemently, he waved his finger, in a clumsy unnatural way, at Congress as he did it. And I mean really clumsy. I swear it looked like you could see him read the note on his paper ("wave finger during this line", oh right.) before he did it. Then he prattled on about escaping the tyranny of Cuba to become a success by hard work and blah blah fucking blah.

And now he has tested positive for 'roids, as I understand the kids call them. But he says they got into his body by accident, maybe through a supplement or a food. And guess who believes him? His old friend and former boss, The Texas Idiot himself, Dubya. He said this:

Rafael Palmeiro is a friend. He testified in public and I believe him. He's the kind of person that's going to stand up in front of the Klieg lights and say he didn't use steroids, and I believe him.

Goody, Bushy believes him so it's all good. Never mind.

What bullshit. These fucking people on the right (and more than a few on the left) are the ones pushing mandatory drug testing at all levels of life, from high-schoolers to job applicants. And they argue it is a reasonable and effective way to keep our kids drug free and our society safer. But the minute someone El Presidente likes gets busted, he says he believes the excuse. Or that the test was faulty. So what they are admitting is that these tests aren't reliable. Which means there could be kids out there who have been kicked out of school or off teams that said the same thing ("I didn't do it") that could also really be innocent. I guess Big Brother doesn't apply to the rich and powerful.

Whew, that was way too long of a set up to bring me to the point. Does anyone really give a shit? I mean come on, we're talking about guys who run around bases for a living, not people in charge of national security or piloting an airplane that I'm on. If these idiots want to take something that will shrink their dicks and give them a back full of zits, why should I care? Raffy's inability to get an erection has no bearing on my life, except that it is something to use to make fun of him at a game. I guess we now know why Palmeiro, at such a young age, was doing those Viagra commercials. So he's been taking two performance enhancing drugs. Ba-da-bump. Thank you, I'm here all week.

What this all comes down to is that drug testing is fucked up and going down a slippery slope. Personally I could give a shit about these overpaid millionaires and what their employer is doing to them. But the more we legitimize this form of invasion of privacy the more it becomes legitimate to do to everybody. I can't support doing it to millionaire jocks if I don't support doing it to video store clerks or Wal-Mart stockboys. Hell, if your lot in life is schlepping away for Wal-Mart, you better be on drugs. What other excuse could you possibly have? Only heavy drugs could make working there seem more desirable than sleeping under a freeway overpass and eating out of trash cans.
"Well, I had a half eaten Egg Mcmuffin from the garbage for lunch and haven't had a shower in a month, but at least I'm not greeting people at Wal-Mart, so I'm doing OK" - This is a sane person's thoughts.
"Well, the rent is due so I guess I'll take that job at Wal-Mart" - Get this poor guy to rehab!

So where does it end?
"All right then, your home mortgage application is all set, we just need you to pee in this cup for us."
"OK, as soon as that blood test comes back you'll be getting your Discover card in 7-10 days."
"So we'll get this swab over to the lab and get your video-rental membership going after the DNA is approved"
"All right then Mr. Mayer, your sperm count seems to be in order, so here is your first book of checks and your deposit slips. Thanks for choosing Bank Of America."

Give a foot and they take a mile, people. Just say no to filling the cup.