Must Be At Least This Tall...

Children. Kids. Munchkins. Rug Rats. Little Ones. Chips off the old blocks.

Whatever you want to call them, children seem to be in the news lately. Not really that kids themselves in the news I'm talking about, but the recent stories that have been done about people, specifically married couples, not having kids. There is a statistic out there that says the number of couples not breeding is at an all time high. CNN even got in on the action and did a segment about it. And then, of course, they had a post-segment argument between two people on each side of the issue. One was a woman who wrote a book called Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life Without Kids. The other was, as you might imagine, a nutjob from a "pro-family" right wing religious organization. He was probably from Focus On The Family, I don't remember for sure, but it was one of those blowhard groups. Now, first of all, I don't know why every news story has to become a debate between the right and left. I mean, if there is a story that people are eating less mushrooms than in the past we don't roll out Jerry Falwell and Ralph Nader to argue about it. So this right-wing guy is on CNN saying that people who don't have kids are being immature and avoiding adulthood and responsibility, etc. This prompts me to call him a dumbass to the TV screen. My wife then points out that screaming "dumbass" at a guy on TV accusing people like me of being immature is kind of proving his point. Then I got pissy with her and stomped to the bedroom and slammed the door.

I realized she was right, but I was trying to argue the wrong point with the TV anyway. I really shouldn't care if some Christian fanatic thinks I'm mature or not. In fact, I probably am somewhat immature, but I'm completely OK with that. Either way, do I really care if I'm that guy's definition of mature anyway? From what I gathered in his rantings at that poor woman who had to endure his idiocy, his definition of "mature" is having children, going to bed early, waking up early, going to some crappy office job I hate to support the children, voting Republican, and going to church every Sunday (or even more often). I don't like to do any of those things. If that makes me immature then so be it. I figure I'm about as mature as I need to be. I know how to set an alarm clock, I can dress myself, brush my own teeth, wash myself, count money and make change, operate a car, and wipe my own ass. I even know how to vote all by myself. What the hell more do I need?

These wacko conservative types say lots of stupid things about this too. The head of the Southern Baptist Convention says he's worried that this will cause an underpopulation problem. How does someone that clueless rise to be the head of anything other than Retards Incorporated? Others are trying to tell us that child rearing is what marriage is all about. Hey, if that's what your marriage is about, more power to you. But that's a million miles from the reason I married my wife. I dig my wife because she's fun, smart as hell, and actually likes hanging out with me. Not because she looked like she'd be a good incubator.

What boggles my mind though, is why people (especially people who don't even know me) care at all if we have kids. It really seems to bother these conservative types that there are adults in the world who like to sleep late on the weekends or go clubbing on a weeknight or never have to deal with parent/teacher conferences. I think they're just jealous and want everyone else to be as miserable as them. I think these people also think that when you have children you are automatically going to start thinking like them. They would change their attitude about me having children if they knew me at all. If I were to breed, I would be teaching my kid the opposite of everything they believe in. I would be teaching my children that there was no such person as Jesus, capitalism is destroying the world, Republicans are evil, patriotism and religion are why we have wars, and that a woman doesn't have to be a housewife. I would think that I'm exactly the type of person they would rather not have kids. I'm not going to become a God-fearing Republican just because I have a kid. That would require a lobotomy.

And geez, between my two siblings and their spouses my parents will have a total of six grandchildren by next May. I think my family has sufficiently added to the population without my wife and I joining in. You think that would be enough for them. But no, they still like to bring it up with me. Even though they know I don't want to. I'm always being told I would make a good father. Really? What the hell makes these people think this? The fact that I like to stay up until 3:00 in the morning or that my favorite place to be is a good bar? It seems to me that people think that once you've made it past your mid-twenties that you suddenly would be a good parent. Another thing they like to do is tell me that I'll change my mind about this. These are the same people who told me that I would become more politically conservative as I got older. I'm still waiting to see when that's going to happen. I would concede the fact that it's possible that I could change my mind. Like how I used to hate broccoli as a kid and now I love it. So sure it's possible. But I also used to hate mushrooms as a kid and I still do. So that's also possible.

But you know what? Going to see bands with my wife, taking trips to Africa and Europe, and sleeping until noon on Saturdays sounds a hell of a lot better than dirty diapers, carpools, little league, and saving money for college.