Ho Ho Hum

Well "The Season" is upon us again. And, as usual, I can't wait for it to get the hell over with.

I hate Christmas. Hate it like I hate the sound of Rita Cosby's voice.

Now wait, hear me out. I'm not some sort of Scroogy curmudgeon ogre, contrary to what a lot of people (and you know who you are) believe.

Don't get me wrong. I have no desire to take Xmas away from anyone or ruin anybody else's enjoyment of it. I just want the chance to opt out. I have declared no war on Christmas. I'm Switzerland, I don't care if people celebrate it or not, but can't you leave me out of it? If Bush wants people to be able to opt out of Social Security, why can't I do the same with the Pagan holiday co-opted by the Christians?

I have my reasons. I'm not just an angry guy with an attitude problem. Really.

First off, despite its previously mentioned Pagan origins, it is an explicitly Christian holiday. As I've mentioned thousands upon thousands of times before, I'm not religious. I don't celebrate Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanza or any other religious holidays. Why am I expected to celebrate Jesus Day? It's like it is the default holiday in this country. If you don't pick another one you just get stuck with Christmas. Well I don't use Windows Media Player just because it came with my computer.

And what is it with Christians and lying to their children? The Jesus myth wasn't kooky enough so you had to invent Santa Claus too?

I could like Xmas if it lived up to its hype. But it doesn't, and that's another one of my main beefs. Peace on Earth, good will towards man? Have you been inside a store in the winter? People get in to fist fights over PlayStations, Nintendos, Cabbage Patch Dolls, Elmos or whatever other dumb thing is the "must have" gift in any particular year. It's not about peace, love, giving or family. It's about buying a bunch of crap nobody needs. Well, that and getting the whole family together to fight in the same place. Good times, good times.

And I'm OK with buying crap I don't need, but do we need a yearly ritual for it. How about everyone buy the pointless shit they don't need for themselves and we can get rid of the whole concept of "gift receipts."

Fighting through crowds at stores I would rather not be at to begin with, getting shopping done in time to mail gifts a week ahead of time, standing in hour long lines at the post office. Because, I suppose, everyday life wasn't stressful enough so we needed to spice it up. Anybody wonder why the heart attack rate goes up in December?

And stress, oh man. I've only been married less than three years and I can't see myself coming up with another fifty years of good ideas for Christmas gifts. I think I peaked with the digital camera last year and I'll never be able to top it. I was hoping to go maybe a good five years before I had to start just buying what she tells me she wants. But here we are.

On a random day of the year when I do something simple like buy flowers for my honey for no good reason, she is surprised and happy and loves me. Something so small goes a long way. This time of the year makes me feel like the future of my marriage is dependent on some brilliant, original idea to wow her with. I know it's not, but still.

The most god-awful genre of music, besides TV commercial jingles, is carols. They make me want to jam an ice-pick in my ears.

Anything that Bill O'Reilly is so in love with that he wants to marry it has to be bad.

And what about Jesus freak cards and form letters about the family's events of the last year? My brother and his wife jumped on that bandwagon this year, complete with opening paragraphs about this being the season to "praise His name" and a bunch of other crap that made me cough vomit up in to my throat. It's my damn brother. He knows I don't believe that nonsense, yet he sends me that card? The single biggest problem with the holiday is the free license people think they have to preach their stupid gospel to those that they know full well to be non-believers. And thanks to Dickens, if you protest at all about it they have a name at the ready to call you. Next year I'm going to send them card praising the name and celebrating the glory of L. Ron Hubbard or the Prophet Mohammed.

It's not all bad. There is a really cool light show at Grand Central Terminal's main hall this year that is just cool as shit. And the outdoor markets that pop up at various places in Manhattan usually have some cool stuff. But we don't need a holiday for that. They are good ideas by themselves.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I had every intention of getting out. When I was in my late twenties I was going to tell the family that I was done with Christmas and I would no longer participate in exchanging gifts. But before that happened I got together with my wife, who seems to like it. I don't know why she still likes it since she added my nieces and nephews and multiple sets of parents (ah, the modern dysfunctional family) to her shopping list. And she out does herself every year. So I wasn't able to bow out of the celebration like I always planned. My wife, being a lot nicer than me, just wouldn't let me get away with that.

So I guess like my dream of living outside of America, my hopes for a Jesus-free winter will have to go unrealized. Oh well, my wife is the only person in the world that is worth going through all this for. But don't think I'm not trying to wear her down and bring her to my side. I'm thinking a gathering of my whole family at Christmas time would do the trick very nicely.



Happy Winter Solstice everyone.