Baby You Can't Drive My Car - Or Anything Else For That Matter

I've had to do more driving lately than I'd like. I hate cars. Just hate them. Everything about them. The car culture in America ruined the passenger train business (which in turn forced people who'd rather not use cars, like me, to use them). They are the reason that you have about twenty feet of visibility in Los Angeles. They are the reason we have been in two wars in Iraq in the last 15 years. The reason our country has become a web of concrete freeways (fuck you very much, Ike!). But the worst part is that, really, human beings just shouldn't be trusted with piloting their own personal heavy piece of machinery. Really, there is no such thing as a really good driver. Anyone who really is good at piloting anything has a job flying planes or being a train engineer. And that's the way we should keep it.

I've had to use our car sometimes lately to get to rehearsals for a show I'm doing, due to the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority's (MBTA) total inadequacy at both planning and running a transit system. The fact that the coverage area in the suburbs is very underserved, and they make maddeningly inconvenient schedules. Where I need to go to when I take the train is one of the most heavily used stations on the line, but all trains during rush hour run local schedules. No express. No skip stop limiteds. Nothing. I don't think they've ever even heard of an express train at the MBTA. You get all of those things in a Chicago commuter rail system that covers more area and cost you less for much better service. But I digress.

So I have spent much more time among the polluters on the roads lately and it does not help my stress level at all. I know, every city has their issues with their drivers. In all the places I've lived, drivers all suck in their own special way. In Atlanta, they're just kind of stupid and meandering. They seem to realize every time they need to exit right at that moment and they find themselves needing to cross eight lanes of traffic to get to it. Of course the first problem there is that there are any roads in the world with eight lanes. But then you always end up with someone who has about an eighth of a mile to cross those lanes to get to the exit. And if you miss it? Well, just back up along the emergency lane to get back to the ramp entrance. I'm sure that won't cause any problems at all.

In Seattle, people just always seem to have other things on their mind. Kind of like they are out for a little stroll and they love changing minds about what direction they're going. There's just so much beautiful scenery to look at there that people are just too distracted by it all. And they are always making decisions really late. Sure, they use their blinkers, it's just that they remember to put them on as they are making the turn. Or you are behind them at a stop light, assuming they will be going straight, but when the light turns green they suddenly turn on their left turn signal and wait for an opening to make their turn. And you end up stuck behind them because there are too many cars going by in the other lane, that you would have been in had you known this guy was going to make a left turn.

Chicago drivers are just some of the most aggressive drivers you can ever come across. They will fight tooth and nail to get that one more car length ahead, even though it doesn't get them to where they are going any faster. And they are going to get ahead of everyone else on the freeway, dammit! Don't even get me started on Chicago cab drivers. For some reason making a right turn from the far left lane makes sense to them, even without looking to see if there is any oncoming traffic.

But Boston, by far, takes the cake in this country for people who should just not be allowed behind the wheel. They are the perfect combination of arrogance, aggressiveness, and stupidity. The saying goes in Boston that red lights are merely a suggestion. That's only funny if it weren't so completely accurate. But it's not just lights. One-Way signs, No Turn On Red signs, Do Not Enter are all routinely ignored in this town. And I'm not talking about the occasional person who accidentally turns the wrong way down a street and then realizes it and goes back. No, no, that happened everywhere. No, I'm talking a regular occurrence of purposeful defiance because it slightly inconveniences them for this street to be a one way right now. This is a constant occurrence in my neighborhood. I try to point out to people who are going the wrong way when I'm walking down the street and see them, but they give me a wave and a look that says, "I know, I know ass hole. Fuck off." Like it's my fault! And they act all pissed at me.

And the aggressiveness of the driving around here is amazing. Especially considering the street design. Well, street design is the wrong word. Imagine you took a handful of wadded up string of various lengths and threw them in the air. Well, where they landed is the basis of the Boston street system. Even if it doesn't make sense, and even if things like a road looping around and meeting itself happen, you have to keep it that way. Oh, and refuse to put up street signs anywhere, except where they are not really needed. And make them too small to make a difference anyway. And this is a city that people drive overly aggressive in. And they also seem to love sitting in the middle of intersections when the people from the other direction have the green light. Now, in most cities when this happens it is because some idiot found himself in the intersection when the light turned red before the traffic started to move. That's a big Chicago thing, to be sure. It was no surprise that all those cars got hit by a train a few months back when Chicago drivers were not leaving a gap for the tracks in the stop and go traffic. Everyone thinks it'll start moving in time for them to get through. But I digress.

Here in Boston they will get themselves in the middle of the intersection on purpose! I have, on many occasion, been at a red light and there is traffic at a stop going the other direction that has the green light. I will notice that there is a gap in the intersection like there should be so I'm not worried about being able to go when my side turns green. But when the other light turns from green to yellow, people that had been leaving a gap suddenly gun it to get right behind the car on the other side of the intersection. And not just one. A whole line of cars that will fit in the intersection will do it. And then I have a green light but nowhere to go. I just don't understand these people. It's like some sort of fuck you to me I guess. "If I'm going to be stuck in traffic than you are too, ass hole" seems to be what they are saying when they do this.

Yet somehow, with all of this aggressive/moronic city street driving tactics, these are the same people that get in the left lane on the interstate and go 45 miles/hour. And these people are trusted on many of the freeways here to be allowed to drive on the emergency lane during rush hour. There's a brilliant idea. Ugh.

Next: How pedestrians are just as bad as the drivers in Beantown.