The Book Of Mohammed

So it seems the Muslim world is all worked up over some political cartoons that mocked the Prophet Mohammed. And now there are protests all over the world, some peaceful, some violent. Well, let me speak directly to the Muslim community for a moment if I could.

Dear Muslims,

I have seen on the news that you are upset over a Danish paper running some cartoons that seem to mock the Prophet Mohammed and your religion in general. Well I have just this to say to you: GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES AND GROW THE HELL UP!

Seriously, I mean that in the most sincere and loving way. You religious types need to chill when it comes to your beliefs being criticized and made fun of. If you think you can ever do anything to stop it you are deluding yourselves. If the conviction of your beliefs is not strong enough to withstand mockery, well then I guess you just don't believe strong enough, now do you?

For crying out loud, there are Muslims in Gaza storming the local European Union office with AK-47s, gunmen in the West Bank searching through apartment buildings trying to find Europeans to kidnap, and people have stormed and broken in to the Danish embassy in Indonesia. Over some cartoons! People, please.

I'm not just picking on you, Muslims. I say the same thing to every religious person who gets all worked up over stupid shit like this. The stupid right-wing Christians have protested to get a pretty decent TV show cancelled (The Book Of Daniel) because they found the depiction of Jesus to be "offensive." Well, nobody forces you to read or watch something you find offensive. I can't stand that horrible show Touched By An Angel so I never watched it, and it never made me upset with their stupid messages. This is also why I would never watch Three Wishes or anything else that involves Amy Grant. It's not my thing. And really, you guys never get made fun of as much as the things that I believe in do. As a hard-core liberal/progressive, I see political cartoons every day that make fun of me and the things I believe in. Sure, I've been annoyed by some of the shit I've seen. But I just think "what an asshole" and move on to the next thing in the paper. I've never even gotten pissed off enough to even write a letter to the editor, much less kidnap anybody or burn a flag. For the record, I'm all for burning flags of whatever country you are annoyed with, but at least have a better reason for it. Like, for instance, if that country's government is bombing you. That's a pretty good reason. That you don't like one or two of that country's cartoonist might not be the best reason to waste your energy and/or lighter fluid.

Seriously, in my country they don't even just keep it in the op-ed pages to bash on people like me. Open up the regular comic pages and you can see a daily dose of liberal bashing in the comics Mallard Fillmore and Prickly City. Well, comics might be the wrong word since they are never actually funny, they're basically just boring cartoons. Like Ziggy.

And like all crazy religious types, you are wasting a lot of energy protesting shit that doesn't matter when you could be out there protesting things that both matter and you could have an effect on. I rarely see huge gatherings of Muslims protesting the "honor" killings that go on in many of your communities. You know the one's I'm talking about, a woman is suspected of adultery or some other ridiculous thing so she is killed by either her family or the local tribal council. What about protesting things like the gang rape of a woman ordered by a local Islamic tribal council because her brother or father committed a crime? Or women who get stoned to death for not wearing a burka or being caught out in public without a male family member? It's shit like that that makes your religion look bad, not some drawings by a few Danes.

And I'm not just picking on you my dear Muslims. I feel the same way about every religion that has such misdirected energy. Like Catholic leaders who will protest something like a picture of a crucifix in a pool of urine or a movie that they deem "anti-Catholic" like The Magdalene Sisters, when they don't really say anything about their priests raping children. And Mormons will get all pissy about how we make fun of them all the time, but they don't seem to spend any of their energy on stopping any of their renegade members from forcing 13-year-old girls to become some middle-aged dude's 8th wife. And just about every Christian group in this country will get all worked up over some "unfair" depiction of Jesus, whether it is The Book Of Daniel or The Last Temptation Of Christ, but it is OK for them to go around spreading hatred toward gay people, trying to stop them from getting married, adopting children, being teachers, or even having sex with each other in the privacy of their own home.

So Muslims, yours is not the first religion to be insulted, and it won't be the last. All this energy you are wasting trying to protect the image of Islam could be going toward things that really would help the image of your religion. Like trying to stop young Muslims from blowing themselves up to kill others. That would be a good start toward helping your image. I know, I know, it is a small minority of Muslims who do such things. It is also a small minority of Catholic priests who are raping children, but when the rest of them don't speak out against it or turn those scumbags in, they all bear the burden of those sins.

But if you still insist on protesting comics, could I make a suggestion on some better ones to be speaking out against? Here are some that I would speak out against if I were to spend the energy:

The previously mentioned Mallard Fillmore and Prickly City. I'm OK with the stuff I believe in being made fun of, but it should at least be funny. You should protest that both of these "comic" writers be forced to take lessons from P.J. O'Rourke before continuing their work.

Marmaduke. The writer of Marmaduke has absolutely no understanding of the word "comic," and he should be put out of our misery. Preferably by throwing him to a pack of wild dogs. Seriously, have you read Marmaduke? I've had more laughs reading the ingredients of a bag of potato chips.

Pluggers. The celebration of fat, stupid rednecks, which this comic treats as a philosophy of life, must be stopped. Although I must admit, reading this comic will help you understand how Bush became President. It plays well in the sticks.

So there you go Muslims. I hope this has helped you decide on some better ways to spend your time and energy.

Oh, and if I have offended you in any way please feel free to stop by and talk about it. My address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500. Ask for George.