Oh Say Can You Retch?

I admit I'm somewhat of a dork about the Olympics. I love the Olympics, especially the winter version. It's so much cooler watching people ski down hills and skate really fast than run. And snowboarding has made the Winter Games kick even more ass. I was especially happy that, although the U.S. won a lot of them, it wasn't just a big beat down by the Americans on everybody else. That would have made it as boring as Olympic basketball was for several years. Well, basketball is boring and stupid anyway, but even more so when the U.S. team was beating everyone by 60 points. Everybody else in this country, besides me, seemed to love that for some reason. Kind of an American thing I think. Don't care how the game is played, just as long as we kick the fuck out of everybody. I guess that's why I think it's OK that Lindsey Jacobellis lost the gold medal in the snowboardcross by showboating at the end when she had a huge lead. You all have seen it I'm sure. The world gasped as she fell down on the last jump because she did a trick in celebration of her about to win. I was as shocked as everyone else, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it was cool. She may have ended up losing the race, but she lost because she was acting like a snowboarder. Trick moves like that are what snowboarders do. Remember, this sport is a derivative of skateboarding, the whole thing is based on showboating. Even when they lose, they seem to be having a hell of a lot more fun than the figure skaters. Those kids need to lighten the fuck up. Geez, you're at the Olympics, how about smiling every once and a while?

The thing I hate the most about Americans winning events is the playing of our national anthem. The Star Spangled Banner is, by far, the worst national anthem in the history of the world. I hate it. I just hate it. Could there be anything more depressing sounding than that tune? It sounds like a damn funeral march. Why can't they play something that sounds more uplifting? Like a song by The Cure? Seriously, we have a great song like America The Beautiful at our disposal and we choose the drudgery of the Star Spangled Banner instead.

At least they don't use the words at these things or it would be even worse. Nothing like a little bit of glorifying war to tell the world what we're really about in America. But it is the tune that is the worst. Who the hell writes a song that has about an eight octave range? Even if the lyrics weren't overly nationalistic and celebrating violence it would still be annoying to listen to because there isn't a person alive who can sing it. Freaking Pavarotti couldn't hit the all those notes.

Really, listen to every other countries' anthems. They sound so nice. Uplifting and celebratory. And such great melodies. Even the German one.

Our national anthem was the most embarrassing thing at the Olympics. Well, except for speed skater Chad Hedrick. What an ass-hole. And a horrible sport. Such a jerk to everyone if he doesn't win. And then accuses the first black man to win an individual gold medal at the Winter Olympics of not being patriotic enough when he doesn't skate in an event to help Hedrick win another medal. And doesn't shake the skater's hand when he wins that gold medal. So not just a jerk, but a racist jerk. What an embarrassment to our country. What a shocker he's from Texas.