Boston's Finest Escort Service

Not sure whether to file this item under "another thing I hate about Boston" or "another stupid thing about America," because this nonsense would probably have happened in other cities as well. I was watching the beginning of the Red Sox-Yankees game last night to see the response to Johnny Damon getting introduced for the first time in a Yankee uniform at Fenway Park (For those of you who don't follow baseball, Damon was probably the most popular of all the Red Sox players on the 2004 World Series team, but then signed with the much hated Yankees this last off-season). It was pretty much what one would expect from a bunch of sports fans, lots of signs around the park calling him "Johnny Demon" and booing him every time he ducked his head out of the dugout before the game. And his first at bat was a cavalcade of boos until he tipped his hat at the crowd and they seemed to instantly change to cheers. Sports fans are so easy to manipulate.

But this isn't what the thing that was so annoying on this day. Earlier in the day the team re-acquired backup catcher Doug Mirabelli in a trade with the San Diego Padres, they had traded him away in the off-season only to find out that their new backup catcher has a really hard time catching Tim Wakefield's knuckleball, which is what they use their backup for. And since this particular game had Wakefield as the starting pitcher they wanted to get him to Fenway as soon as possible. So a private jet flew him from California to Logan Airport in Boston, where a police SUV was waiting to whisk him to the ballpark. Really, I'm not kidding. A policeman, with Mirabelli's uniform waiting for him in the car, picked him up at the airport and raced to Fenway with sirens blaring. By Mirabelli's account the cop was going over 100 miles per hour. His plane landed at 6:48pm and the cop car arrived at Fenway at 7:00pm. Twelve minutes, including the time it took him to walk off the plane and get into the car and get out of the airport.

Can anyone say misuse of government services? Not a single Boston media outlet seems to have a problem with it. In fact, they seemed to love it. Globe sports columnist Bob Ryan even made a joke that being able to get him there that fast made the $15 billion spent on the Big Dig worth it. Of course, the fans loved it too, and gave him a standing ovation. And this is just another example of why I can't wait to get out of this town. Why does no one else see a problem with this? A police officer (on or off duty is unclear) uses a government vehicle to escort a private citizen to his private job just so he can get there in time. And puts the public at great risk by driving recklessly. All to get a jock to the park on time. Now, I love baseball, but this is utterly fucking ridiculous. I can't see how this is acceptable on any level. I can't support this any more than I could support it if it was to get Noam Chomsky to a lecture on time, and that would be a hell of a lot better reason than getting a weak-hitting (.182 average going into last night's game) backup catcher to the game on time.

The cop who participated in this should be fired. If there was a supervisor in the police department who approved this, he or she should also be fired. Red Sox owner John Henry, club CEO Larry Lucchino, and GM Theo Epstein should all be fined $1 million each. That they even thought this OK is astonishing. PEOPLE, IT'S A BASEBALL PLAYER! This was not bone marrow or a kidney bound for the Children's Hospital.

I don't know if this would only happen in Boston or not. But it's not surprising it did happen here and that everyone seems to be OK with it, what with the fact that most people around here drive like maniacs anyway and they treat the Red Sox like a religion. If you think Scientology is a stupid religion (and it is), you should see the idiocy of the one they call Red Sox Nation.

This is what happens when you have a town full of those Southie dunderheads. They may have made for cute little lovable characters in Good Will Hunting, but in real life they're just a bunch of fucking Neanderthal dumbshits.